A wise man once told me a joke you may have heard.
Question: “What is the Irish definition of dementia?”
Answer: “You forget everything except the grudge.”
How true that is not just for the Irish, but for many individuals. The Irish don’t have a corner on this market.
What do grudges do for anyone? Not much… that is for sure. Grudges weigh you down so that you forget about those things that are important: your relationship with those you love and those who love you. Grudges transform the individual into someone who exerts too much energy in feeling ill will towards someone or some circumstance. They sap your strength so that you cannot live up to your potential. They are formidable obstacles that, if allowed, can take on a life of their own. Too bad we can’t use them as dependents when we fill out our tax forms!
The grudge is a constant reminder of either your own failure (or someone else’s) to show caring and concern. Sometimes it is a memory of a deliberate act to directly hurt. These feelings run deeply and must be dealt with in order to move forward. Grudges can be impenetrable defensive linemen that will prevent you from crossing the goal line as long as you let them.
There are a few keys in dealing with this negative feeling. The first is to let it go but don’t permit whatever hurt you to continue to occur. You should forgive but should not let the person or circumstance continue to negatively impact you and prevent you from being the person that you were meant to be. You have power over your own destiny and, if you do not give this power away, nothing can take it from you.
Second, you must confront the situation or person with your concerns and air them. State them in a clear consise form without debate or long discussion. Don’t allow yourself to be beaten up. This confrontation, albeit uncomfortable, is necessary for you to heal and for the person or condition to be given an opportunity to change. Sometimes people do things unaware that have collateral damage. Unfortunately, many times they know all too well what they are doing.
Third, you must congratulate yourself when you accomplish the first two items. You are improving as a person and should not blame yourself for anything. If you were complicit in a negative act, then talk it over with an unbiased professional. Give yourself a break and be prepared to move forward.
Finally, move on. Forget about the past but don’t forget about the circumstances or the person that caused you to hold a grudge. Forgive them, as you forgive yourself, and move forward. If you think they deserve another chance, then give them one. Nevertheless, a good principle is “three strikes and you are out.” Don’t keep getting injured by the same person or issue.
If they continue to do the same thing, then you must stay away from them or change the rules of engagement. If you do not, you will never be happy. You may even begin to resent yourself, an unforgiveable sin.
Keep advancing.
Duffy Achievement Group
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Mercy
Having mercy is a very special quality. It is good for those who show it and it is good for those who receive it.
Today, while driving, a very common thing occurred. A driver in the lane next to me put on his blinker and wanted to get in front of me. Because it was a good distance from my vehicle, my first inclination was to speed up and not let him in. Why? Would I get to where I needed to go any faster? No. I hesitated. Did it make any rational sense to make that individual's life more difficult? No. Perhaps he needed to get to work in a hurry. Perhaps his wife or child was ill and he needed to get there to be with them. Perhaps he had been late before and this was his last chance.
Bottom line, there was no reason to speed up and cut him off other than the flaw in my nature. I could defend it by saying that others have done it to me but is that a defense? How can we make it stop? I let the guy go.
He waved. I waved back. He felt good and I felt even better. Conquering the demons in ourselves can be difficult but an act of mercy, even in a simple form, is a good way to start.
Duffy Achievement Group
Today, while driving, a very common thing occurred. A driver in the lane next to me put on his blinker and wanted to get in front of me. Because it was a good distance from my vehicle, my first inclination was to speed up and not let him in. Why? Would I get to where I needed to go any faster? No. I hesitated. Did it make any rational sense to make that individual's life more difficult? No. Perhaps he needed to get to work in a hurry. Perhaps his wife or child was ill and he needed to get there to be with them. Perhaps he had been late before and this was his last chance.
Bottom line, there was no reason to speed up and cut him off other than the flaw in my nature. I could defend it by saying that others have done it to me but is that a defense? How can we make it stop? I let the guy go.
He waved. I waved back. He felt good and I felt even better. Conquering the demons in ourselves can be difficult but an act of mercy, even in a simple form, is a good way to start.
Duffy Achievement Group
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